"I saw it! Ask anyone! ...except her. Don't ask her."
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"To be edible, is to be possible to be consumed. And to be living, is to consume. Thus we find that the nature of the unliving is to be consumed. In fact, therefore, anything that is not living may be consumed - "[1]
With the Sun blocked off by a mile of dirt, the Neath has developed its own cuisine of delicacies and comestibles that are both similar and different from their Surface counterparts. Good Surface-food is in high demand down here, and is considered a luxury; it can be harvested in Aestival (good luck making it there, though) or be imported by the upper class.
Nightmare-plagued individuals in the Mirror-Marches may be tempted by somewhat, well, nightmarish fruit: decadent, Surface-fruit-like plums, grapes, and cherries. Yum... until you choke on an expanding grapeseed. Or gorge on plums for an entire day, your hunger never sated.
But there's no need to worry about unreality; for now, feel free to browse our menu of the Neath's Finest! You can read our drinks menu here: Drinks.
Since greens are rather rare down here in the Neath, mushrooms and other fungi are often used as a substitute. Fungi can be made into spore-toffees, something resembling vegetables, or even wine. Of note are the delicious Mr Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers.
But if you crave something more luxurious, we have those in plenty as well. Cooked according to the Apicius Club's secret recipes, we offer 'Slippery Jack' - strips of dark brown fungus glistening with oil (don't let its plain look fool you - it tastes amazing),[2]'Plums and Custard' - purple tops and bright yellow gills in a creamy white sauce (avoid eating too much though; these can be indigestive),[3] and 'Golden Topper' - slender stalks and golden cups, lightly fried in a Greyfields sauce.[4][5]
Peppercup. Very spicy
If you're looking for something bizarre and new, try Peppercaps. Those mushrooms are the only thing grown on Upper River farms, and they are as wild as the Hinterlands themselves. Approach them with corresponding caution: bite a small piece first, to know how spicy one you have really is. Just one of these can't poison you, but the hottest are... quite unpleasant. [6][7]
Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom Cakes[]
The NEW INVENTION, delightful and astonishing - Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom CakesⒸ! Deliciously flaky, gorgeously sweet, delicate layer of mushroom jam smeared on a cake, with special Murgatroyd's cream on top. And it totally has nothing in common with Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers, even if it looks so, and the mushroom is totally not mold, even if it is furry. Claiming otherwise would bring down all 9 circles of Baseborn and Fowlingpiece's legal hell upon you. [8]
Dark-Dewed Cherries[]
Fresh fruit in the Neath! These restorative beauties are harvested from the Elder Continent. They can be used to brew liqueurs; the Capering Relicker loves them.
Chertapples[]
A rather unusual type of apple from the Elder Continent, which still provides satiety despite its unimpressive and earthy taste. It has a strengthening effect on body, will, and spirit, but can be detrimental in situations of uncertainty, or in very large quantities. After all, the strengthening is literal, and can make one rather... stony.
Solacefruit[]
A something very different from cherry[9], solacefruit are parasitic fruit that grow on trees in the Wisp-Ways[10] and parts of Parabola[11] but also occasionally inside the Uttershroom[12]. Best eaten in small quantities, as eating larger amounts of this fruit is one of the nicest ways to die.
Soups[]
Zzoup is the preferred food among zailors. The colour: old blood on snow. The taste: paprika, mushrooms, irony. The recipe: winewound chanterelles, exile's rose, paprika, pork stock, lament-onions, hanged men's tears, and some salt[13].
Soup from Mutton Island is thick and briny, with unmistakeably chewy chunks of succulent but salty greyish meat. Notes of seaweed, jillyfish, and definitely not mutton. Tasting Mutton Island soup leaves the diner with a melancholic yearning and longing for places they've never seen[14].
In her Boarding House in Spite, Mrs Chapman offers free soup to all those who temporarily have nowhere else to go. Mrs Chapman's own recipe is made from mushrooms, blanched chunks of meat (or extra mushrooms for those of non-carnivorous persuasion), and a range of spices which elevate the soup from its earthy grit to a nourishing meal. It is not designed to be a good experience, but one which would do the diner good[15]. Mrs Chapman's cookbook also includes the Surface Soupçon, a recipe eaten since the first days of the Fall. The soupçon's taste resembles the cultural delicacy of the diner's home region[16].
Iremi Stew never arrives. Everyone agrees the soup will be delicious, but not yet. It is perfect compared to any other soup a kitchen could have served. Dining on Iremi Stew fills a lunch-hour completely with contemplation of its inevitable and manifold delights[17].
Incorruptible Biscuits[]
The magnificent creation of London's most sophisticated bakers. For some reason, these biscuits simply can't go stale. Capricious gourmands could say that their taste is tolerable at best, but let's be honest: these are VINTAGE, just like your favorite wine. Some Incorruptible Biscuits might even predate the Fall! [18]
Meat[]
Well, actual human hearts aren't consumed down here (usually); even we have standards! Then again, the mystery meat that's peddled by Mr Hearts and some devils over at Dante's Grill is quite suspect.
Rubbery Lumps[]
According to Mrs Plenty: "Alarming beasts dredged up from the Unterzee, hit on the head, chopped up and fried in batter. Two hours from trawler to newspaper wrapping. Luvverly. No Rubbery Man content whatever. Guaranteed by Mr Hearts, so it is."
Plenty's rubbery lumps are pale imitations of the genuine stuff over at Mutton Island (though her pies still, somehow, keep for weeks). Don't say that to her face, though.
Zeefood[]
A group of commissioned zailors bring us their latest catches from the Unterzee. Is it edible? You should probably ask them.
Mutersalt[]
Gathered from the Pale Wastes, mutersalt tastes like clean air and crystallized ginger. It's been used by several famous (or merely lavish) chefs of the Neath, like the Brisk Campaigner and the Bandaged Poissonnier, but it's also useful to Urchins like Slivvy. It can paralyze one's vocal cords if consumed, and stings like Hell's nettles if it gets in your eyes.
Sausage About Which No One Complains[]
Exotic for Londoners, these sausages came a long way from the Hinterlands, the hostile region between London and Hell. There are no animals to hunt, and yet those sausages are regularly produced and sold to locals. And their taste leaves everyone literally speechless. This has nothing to do with the box of mutersalt nearby. Rumors about strings and rat tails found within the sausage are entirely exaggerated. Just ask anyone who's tried it![19] Recipe was invented by famous Murathroyd, as tinned sausages may be found in deep parts of London.
Tyrant's Treat[]
Hungry for something exotic, are we? I suppose it's worth bringing up "Tyrant's Treat," then, made from newly hunted Tyrant-Moths. We swear it's healthy. No, it's not rotten; the shipment from Whither came just this morning. Hold your breath, and then take a bite. I'll put a bucket right here, in case of, ah, unforeseen troubles. The janitor already has so much work to do. [20]
Parabolan Orange-apples[]
This highly toxic hybrid fruit grows only from a single tree in Parabola. Don't eat the pips. Or the green bits. Or the zest. Eat only the part of the fruit that isn't angry about things that happened while it was still a flower. That's the only safe part.
